A full moon attracts us again to earth after an episode of painful revelation. After spending a lot of this collection guessing on the intent behind Gendo and his compatriots’ actions, the reveal of NERV’s origins proved extra harrowing than we might have imagined. Not as a result of the targets of this group are so ominous or esoteric; in actual fact, it’s fairly the alternative. By drawing again the veil cloaking Seele, Gehirn, and NERV, Evangelion has revealed that its architects are pushed by motives simply as petty and human as the remainder of us.
Gendo, searching for the one girl who appreciated the alleged kindness behind his stern entrance. Fuyutsuki, equally enamored with Gendo’s misplaced muse. Ritsuko, following her mom’s shadow into an entanglement with the person who basically killed her. Misato, not sure whether or not she needs to show her father improper or full what he couldn’t. All of them propelled by private infatuation or psychological grievance, all of them nonetheless carrying the burden of the world on their backs.
It’s a revelation that might doubtless come as little shock to first-time grownup viewers; in any case, any adults within the viewers already know this secret. However as a younger teen absorbing Evangelion with rapt consideration, this too got here as each an mental blessing and a curse – to know that “maturity” itself is mainly a lie, that we’re all merely muddling via, pushed by a mix of high-minded and deeply private motivations, trying to current no matter confidence we are able to muster. Evangelion thus replaces its underlying narrative mysteries with extra elementary, irresolvable questions – the identical questions Shinji has been grappling with, now confirmed to be the work of a lifetime, or maybe greater than that. Will mastering the Eva models or defeating the angels restore the knowledge and happiness that these engineers have misplaced? It doesn’t appear doubtless.
And nonetheless they press on, drawing ever extra victims and generations into their futile endeavor. Panning down from that moon, we discover ourselves nonetheless located previously, however extra lately: on the day earlier than Asuka’s journey to Japan, lounging with Kaji as clouds drift overhead. Key context for our younger pilot is conveyed even earlier than the pan resolves, the digicam lingering on empty cans and an AM radio. Simply as Misato lacks a wholesome mannequin of habits for coping with Shinji, so it appears that evidently Kaji lacked a wholesome mannequin for mentoring Asuka – and thus he handled her like a younger would-be girlfriend, taking her out for picnics underneath the celebs, making her really feel like an actual grownup.
Asuka’s habits highlights the disconnect between them, as she explains the matted Misato’s habits whereas Kaji appears on in silence. “I suppose this’ll be goodbye for some time” she provides, pushing up her chest and exaggerating her pose, searching for an affirmation of their romantic bond that’s solely considerably undercut by the immature “boooo” that follows. Kaji has humored her thus far, however he can’t provide this – he as an alternative undercuts her request, replying “when you get to Japan, I’m positive you’ll make plenty of new boyfriends.” However Asuka shouldn’t be taken with boys her personal age, or “silly brats,” as she childishly describes them. “You’re the one one I really like,” she declares, burying her head in his chest. “Effectively, that’s fairly an honor” he indifferently replies.
“I imply it! If it’s with you, it’s completely okay! Kissing, and even the stuff after that!” So Asuka makes an attempt to claim her maturity, referring to sexual intimacy as “the stuff that follows kissing.” To this, Kaji can not play coy, outright declaring “Asuka, you’re nonetheless a baby. That type of stuff can come later.” That is no consolation to Asuka – she has grown, her physique has modified, and she or he is able to be an grownup. “I’m already a grownup,” she declares, “so have a look at me!” Her declaration is met by a flurry of altered imagery, Asuka in all her variants types, then a doll beheaded and left deserted. “Have a look at me!”
So we’re launched to the contradictions of Asuka Langley Soryu, who sees maturity as a magic doorway into love and understanding, a marker of self-reliance that can’t be questioned or denied. Scornful of her friends, but revealing along with her each phrase and motion her personal clear immaturity. Distrustful of household, but determined for love. Outlined by her mastery of the Eva unit, but ever-conscious that previous victories are by no means, by no means, by no means sufficient. Her desperation for the knowledge of maturity rings with a merciless irony within the wake of our final episode – for as was simply made emphatically sure, there isn’t a comforting realm of certainty and self-actualization ready after puberty and adolescence. There may be solely ever the wrestle to discover a happier self.
We reduce once more, to Asuka as a baby. It seems she and Shinji have one thing in widespread: each of their moms tried first contact with the Eva models, every to disastrous outcomes. Although her mom’s physique wasn’t absorbed into the Eva unit, that may have truly been kinder; as an alternative, her mom was pushed insane, and swiftly dedicated suicide. We see Asuka at her mom’s funeral, already practising that proud, defiant stare she employs to sq. off with an inhospitable universe.
One other minimize, this one crueler nonetheless. Her mom within the hospitable, thoughts gone, consideration centered on a ragdoll she appears to consider is her precise daughter. Out within the corridor, the true Asuka appears on with that very same defiant glare. Little surprise she has chosen to not retreat into the consolation of infancy or the arms of her mom, as Shinji has repeatedly tried. For her, childhood is that this picture proper right here – her mom misplaced and frail, seeking to a false idol for steering. Higher to mature previous this betrayer, and show via her personal actions easy methods to be a correct grownup. Higher to go away childhood behind totally, and any must depend on this failure alongside it.
It’s a painful and thankless job, dedicating your life to redressing the failures of your dad and mom. Most of us should not offered such outsized demonstrations of failure as Asuka or Shinji, however that underlying need to do higher this time, to make sure your youngsters don’t endure the identical ache you skilled, is common. There may be solely a lot we are able to do to contextualize the restrictions of our dad and mom’ views, a lot we are able to forgive them for, a lot we are able to hope to actually perceive. For all the things else, their specter will stay perpetually unusual to us, their seeming callousness a query with no satisfying reply.
The ache of connection Evangelion describes is tough sufficient even when tried between strangers, between individuals who might theoretically stroll away and go away no baggage of their wake. For fogeys and youngsters, the stakes are far increased, that alleged assumption of “unconditional love” masking an infinite minefield of expectations and regrets, of feedback idly made that lodge like splinters within the psyches of our family members. We’d hope the methods we’re scarred by love make us extra empathetic, or no less than extra fascinating – that the irritation of want unfulfilled is perhaps polished and forgiven over time, rising as pearls of knowledge or compassion. More often than not, this isn’t true. More often than not, harm is just harm.
The detached adults communicate idly of Asuka’s mom, framing her present actions as reflections of remorse. Spending all her time on analysis, she left no time for her personal daughter – and now, she will be able to solely think about making up that misplaced time with this doll, not the flesh-and-blood woman watching via the window. “People made dolls in their very own picture,” one observer displays, “If God exists, we could also be nothing greater than dolls to Him.” Their phrases flip virtually flirtatious as they talk about the gap between science and faith, the woman standing beneath them totally forgotten. Is that this what adults are like? Do adults merely flip away from what’s painful, or keep indifference to the ache of others? Asuka observes, internalizes, and says nothing.
The teachings she has discovered are clear in her response to her mom’s dying. When advised that it’s “okay to not maintain it in,” she responds that “It’s okay. I’m not going to cry. I’m going to assume for myself.” Her phrases carry a tragic implication: that it will in reality be inconceivable to earnestly cry for this girl, this alleged grownup who erroneously calls herself a mom. Asuka shouldn’t be like these different fools, crying on command as a result of the scenario apparently requires it. Asuka goes to assume for herself. Asuka goes to be worthy of reward. Asuka will present them what it actually means to be an grownup.
Or so she believed. We finally return to the current with a harsh reminder of Asuka’s present standing, as she is advised her synch fee with the Eva unit continues to plummet. Together with her fight skills so low, Ritsuko immediately makes the arduous name, prioritizing Unit 00’s repairs over the ineffective Unit 02. Over at Unit 01, Misato displays on the strangeness of them having to make use of the very factor that attempted to wipe them out as a path to survival. Maybe Asuka might see the irony in that; piloting a machine that tried to destroy humanity, she should equally channel her mom’s harmful failures into gasoline for the longer term. Misato, after all, can even relate; her thoughts drifting in the direction of her father, she admits that “I suppose that’s what people do.”
The whole lot is gradual, solemn, and exhausted. With Neon Genesis Evangelion’s manufacturing flagging behind something approaching a wholesome schedule, scenes draw on, single photographs linger in house – a realistic necessity that nonetheless provides a eager dramatic impact, echoing within the very boarding and pacing the fatigue felt by the characters, and the harm wrought to NERV itself. The battered emblem on Tokyo-03’s once-proud geofront now leads us to Misato and Hyuga exterior, now freely buying and selling info on the top-secret Eva mass manufacturing challenge. Within the wake of Kaji’s execution, what’s the purpose of secrecy anymore? Both NERV kills them or the angels will.
Asuka has sadly nonetheless not obtained the memo. Her lingering hopes are embodied within the type of a name to a disconnected quantity, one final entreaty to Kaji that can by no means be returned. Kaji was not simply her hyperlink to a world of romance and maturity; he was truly her solely good friend exterior of the Eva challenge, the one individual she didn’t see as competitors, whether or not as a pilot like Shinji or girl like Misato. Trying up from the cellphone, her failure is emphasised once more by Shinji throughout the prepare platform, laughing and carefree with Rei even after his month-long ordeal. Shinji, who was too immature even to validate her pursuit of romance, has now confirmed himself the superior pilot. Although wholly oblivious to his “guilt,” he has stolen Asuka’s final supply of id and delight.
The strain is obvious even to Penpen as Misato’s alleged household share a silent meal. Asuka eats with pointed refinement and clear resentment, Misato staring over her beer with curiosity verging on accusation. As soon as once more, the stillness of the storyboarding is manipulated to facilitate the drama; their lack of motion speaks to their fatigue and disinterest in interplay, whereas the repetition of cuts serves as a visible articulation of “simply going via the motions.” The reveal of Kaji’s dying is an offhand snipe, Misato responding to Asuka’s problem of “it’s in all probability Kaji calling” with a cool “that’s not going.” Asuka is combating one-sided battles and nonetheless shedding; absent outcomes, all she has left is bravado, canned feedback concerning the “surprise boy” Shinji that ring hole, missing the hearth of conviction that when characterised her provocations. She shouldn’t be the triumphant pilot of Unit 02 at this level; she is that lonely woman screaming “have a look at me,” scared greater than something of being discarded for another doll.
Because it seems, the decision is definitely for Asuka: her adoptive German mom, calling long-distance to investigate cross-check her. Listening to Asuka chat gaily in German, Shinji displays that “when she talks in one other language, she’s like a complete stranger,” whereas silently pining for the closeness with a mom that Asuka appears to take as a right. As luck would have it, Shinji is mistaken. Asuka holds little fondness for this girl, and sees their conversations as basically one other a part of her job. In reality, the Asuka that she presents to Shinji is definitely far nearer to her true self – and as she admits within the wake of her dialog, she doesn’t truly really feel comfy placing on the “efficiency” of a daughter within the first place. A flourish of real, sympathetic connection between these two lonely pilots – however after all, Asuka quickly remembers herself, raises her AT fields, and loudly declares that “it’s throughout if even you begin sympathizing with me!” Asuka can’t acknowledge compassion, solely pity – the one reward she was provided within the wake of her true mom’s dying, the one factor she completely can’t stand.
Suspended between her desperation for connection and her refusal to be appeared down on, Asuka can solely reply with rejection and denial. She hates this condominium, hates this tub, hates this rest room, hates the very air that Shinji and Misato breathe. Her declarations are contrasted in opposition to mild glimmering on bathwater – a logo that’s already gained significance inside Evangelion, gesturing in the direction of the nice and cozy fluid of the womb and the sanctity of a mom’s arms. Asuka can’t discover the identical consolation in that water that Shinji has; to her, motherhood is a logo of all that she was denied, and all that she should reject. They’re two damaged halves of an incomplete entire: Shinji condemned for his failures to embody conventional masculinity, Asuka disgusted by the confines of conventional femininity, neither able to rejecting the position they’ve been assigned. And what’s worse, she is aware of how petty that is, how infantile, how beneath the power and confidence she is decided to evoke. She hates everybody, however she hates herself most of all.
Misato notes this tantrum and says nothing, solely mentioning Asuka’s interval the subsequent day to excuse her poor synch fee efficiency. To this, Ritsuko replies with the supremely attribute “the synch fee isn’t affected by superficial bodily circumstances,” adopted by the preposterous “the issue lies deeper within the unconscious.” Can Ritsuko actually not see how Asuka’s relationship along with her physique, and with the concept of rising into a lady who may bear youngsters, might have a profound impact on her confidence or sense of self? Asuka, who has all the time spurned recollection of her delivery mom and prided herself on her genderless independence? Certainly Ritsuko of all folks might perceive how a poisoned bond along with her mom may influence Asuka’s sense of self?
If she’s conscious of her hypocrisy, she definitely doesn’t appear bothered by it. On the finish of her rope, Misato glumly displays that this may effectively be the tip of their cohabitation, and that Asuka’s continued proximity with Shinji may solely be hurting her. Piece by piece, the house they constructed collectively has been cruelly dismantled; Kaji’s knowledge and affection, the normalcy of Shinji and Asuka’s faculty associates, even the camaraderie they as soon as shared as fellow Eva pilots. To this, Ritsuko mockingly replies “is that this the tip of your merry sport of home?” Although a era older, Ritsuko’s response appears little completely different from what Asuka herself may say; in any case, neither of them appear to consider that real, non-competitive intimacy is even attainable.
“Why do I’ve to undergo this simply because I’m a lady? I don’t even need children!” Biology itself calls for Asuka contort herself in ache for the sake of an arbitrary, undesirable ultimate. Neither her mom, nor her superiors at NERV, nor even her physique are keen to simply accept the Asuka that exists – and with no energy to withstand any of them, all Asuka can do is rage, rage, rage. So she finds herself as she steps onto the elevator for one among Evangelion’s most iconic moments, a crowning instance of its loaded stillnesses that bubbles over with unstated intent, as she shares a silent elevator journey with the hated First Baby. Rei, who by no means complains, who succeeds with out effort, who embodies “motherliness,” who has bonded with Shinji, and who for all that doesn’t even possess the decency to simply accept Asuka’s problem. The seconds construct up, a stillness damaged solely by Asuka’s occasional blinks, a silent battle as she wills her detested would-be rival into motion.
You can’t shorthand a sequence like that; you’ll be able to solely let it journey, embracing a meditative pacing that feels essentially at odds with the scene’s offended intent, but is by some means the right car for its realization. Such a chronic sequence inherently attracts the viewer into that very same anxious field, keen one thing to occur, if solely to defuse the violence hanging heavy within the air. For a manufacturing more and more incapable of populating the scenes between its bravura animation shows with movement, Asuka and Rei’s elevator journey is a masterstroke of economic system, turning the restrictions defining TV animation into an unimpeachable aesthetic signature. There may be nice poignancy within the silence after the storm, the craze of characters divided by feelings so vivid we are able to see them collide within the stillness.
Rei, a connoisseur of lengthy silences, is definitely the primary to interrupt this one. She even rises to Asuka’s provocation, providing recommendation that would solely scan to Asuka as a problem: “the Eva received’t transfer except you open your coronary heart.” If Rei has discovered to care about Shinji, then it’s no shock she has additionally discovered to actively dislike the boastful, confrontational, closed-minded Asuka. “Sure, the Eva have souls. You must know that.” It’s frankly an ideal victory for Rei – not simply expressing loyalty or concern, however derision and even a touch of humor. As such, when Asuka mocks her once more for being a pawn of NERV, it looks like a hard-earned victory that Rei instantly replies “I’m not a puppet.” However nonetheless, she admits that she’d died for Commander Ikari – a line that incenses Asuka on two ranges, pointing in the direction of each her mom’s careless, egocentric taking of her personal life, in addition to that mom’s desire for well mannered dolls over fallible, flesh-and-blood daughters. As soon as once more, Asuka hates everybody, however Asuka hates herself most of all.
And but, for all of the comprehensible causes she despises Rei, Asuka nonetheless finally ends up taking her recommendation. Standing earlier than the refurbished Unit 02, she calls for it obey her orders, echoing her mom’s ultimate retreat as she declares that “you’re my puppet, so all it’s important to do is quietly do as I say!” There’s a dry comedy within the scene’s shot-countershot cuts from Asuka’s calls for to Unit 02’s unblinking head, as if it’s a canine that’s desirous to please however incapable of parsing her instructions. Even now, even within the wake of that elevator dialog, these pilots are nearer and extra mutually trusting than any of them would admit or consider. They have to be; for when the subsequent angel arrives, there isn’t a one else to save lots of them.
After the temporary return to overwhelming energy exhibited by the final assault, NERV’s newest assailant continues the angels’ rising conceptual oddity, this one sustaining a hard and fast distance from the bottom in low orbit. It doesn’t method, and it doesn’t assault; in its blinding, winged type and silent commentary, it might effectively be mistaken for a biblical angel relatively than a hostile power. The angel waits for an unknown signal as NERV formulate their assault plan, and Misato directs Asuka to again up Unit 00. This of all slights, Asuka can’t enable – subservience not simply to surprise boy Shinji, however to that hated doll? No matter signal this angel may need been ready for, Asuka’s launch is the sign it receives: a rebel whose finality is known by each Asuka and her superiors, her final likelihood to show she is the proud, impartial warrior, the id on which she has staked her total sense of self.
A chilly rain greets Unit 02 because it breaches the floor, the overcast scene making a graveyard of Tokyo-03’s remaining towers. With Unit 01 on strict lockdown, Unit 00 held in reserve, and even Asuka’s caretaker Misato prepared to scrub her fingers of the pilot, Asuka now actually stands alone, the best way she all the time wished. However it’s not her singular prowess that has introduced her right here: it’s her anger, her denial of outstretched fingers, her dedication to not be the weak, dependent creature that her mom discarded and forgot. In a present overwhelmingly absorbed with the shields we assemble round ourselves, the AT fields we develop to outlive the ache of hostile interplay, Asuka has constructed a defend so sturdy and unyielding that not one individual might help her now. It’s what she all the time imagined can be her second of triumph – however remoted inside that unrelenting downpour, we really feel not delight for her sake, however sorrow that she has come to face so totally alone.
“If I mess this up, they’ll in all probability take me off Unit 02,” she admits. Then a phrase of encouragement from the one voice she has ever trusted: “no errors allowed, Asuka.” Piano keys chime expectantly as Asuka prepares for long-range firing, ready for an indication of the angel’s method. However one thing else reaches out first: a grand pillar of sunshine piercing the clouds, like a blessing from a distant god, a benediction met in flip with a rousing refrain of hallelujah. The bridge crew rush to quantify this advance, noting no bodily harm, however intense psychographic readouts. As soon as once more, a curious angel has reached out to know the thoughts of an Eva pilot. Asuka has guarded her secrets and techniques in opposition to all human interrogation, however in opposition to this sensible glow, her AT subject is powerless to withstand.
Asuka fires wildly, her rifle swiftly depleted because the angel continues its interrogation. The creature is as relentless as it’s ruthless, possessing not one of the kindness Shinji discovered inside the angel’s shadow. It is a communication of violence – of intrusion and merciless revelation, the one parenting Asuka obtained, the one means she is aware of to reply. For Shinji, the method of coming to know his personal coronary heart has been, if definitely tough, a journey outlined by proud and fulfilling private revelations. However Asuka is aware of her coronary heart effectively, and is correct to be afraid of what she has locked inside. On the core of her delight lies a scared, lonely woman determined for her mom’s affection – and if she backs down now, that pathetic creature is all she’s going to ever be.
As such, at the same time as her thoughts is clumsily scraped for its darkest secrets and techniques, she refuses Misato’s order to retreat. If struggling anew her worst experiences and most intently guarded fears is the worth she should pay to stay sturdy, so be it. It’s a twisted, tragic inversion of Evangelion’s bigger hopes: the woman who refused to attach having her chest pried open like an angel’s carapace, the hope of mutual understanding become a cudgel with which to disgrace and torment her. Repeatedly, Asuka refused the outstretched fingers of Misato, Shinji, and even Rei, trusting solely in her personal power, the one power that might by no means betray her. And now that she stands alone, she is met by a requirement for sincerity that she can’t refuse.
Thus finally are Asuka’s core reminiscences revealed, the painful, defining moments which have lodged perpetually in her psyche, the reality she has refused to acknowledge, but nonetheless has been persistently guided by, if solely in opposition. A younger Asuka standing alone, crying as she hugs a stuffed monkey – a close to echo of Shinji’s personal visible chorus, the picture encapsulating his whole abandonment. Yet one more factor the 2 may need bonded over, if Shinji weren’t so scared and Asuka weren’t so proud, if both of them had the instruments for navigating intimacy that their scars so cruelly denied them. Possibly in the event that they’d reached out, Shinji would have discovered consolation in embracing his delicate, nurturing nature. Possibly in the event that they’d reached out, Asuka would have discovered one thing price combating for past her concern of being ignored.
The scene shifts, revealing the monkey is a present from her “new mom” at the same time as we see it torn aside. Asuka doesn’t want items, or moms, or false sympathy. Asuka goes to develop up quick and be impartial. Asuka goes to be a proud Eva pilot, and solid that determined eager for her actual mom into the deepest, darkest abyss she will be able to discover. Asuka won’t ever once more open that door, by no means once more really feel the hope of her mom’s affection rewarded by the sight of her mom’s corpse. Buried deep within the recesses of her psyche lie reminiscences she has made international even to herself: the desperation for acceptance mutated right into a condemnation of the self, an everlasting query of “why wasn’t I adequate for my mom’s love? What can I ever do to show I belong?”
If her mom solely wished Asuka to die alongside her, then what good might Asuka presumably be? Via necessity, Asuka discovered to reject such issues, to formulate private worth independently of household, of motherhood, of human connection. After which the angel digs deeper nonetheless, slicing into the supply of her disgrace: her personal willingness to simply accept her mom’s needs, to embrace dying alongside her as long as her mom stayed beside her, to be the great doll if that was the one solution to retain her mom’s love. A destiny she solely prevented due to her mom’s indifference; for when the second of fact arrived, her mom didn’t acknowledge her in any respect.
How do you assemble a way of self within the wake of one thing like that? How will you consider in your worth, when the one individual you trusted to like you unconditionally proved themselves detached to your presence? Asuka selected to reject: to reject the ache of these reminiscences, reject reliance on the kindness of others, reject something however the power she might herself command. Thus Misato should be rejected, alongside her immature caricature of maturity and halfhearted performs at parenting. Thus Shinji should be rejected, alongside his blatant admission of weak spot and infantile acceptance of dependency. Solely Kaji, who rejected her first, was worthy of pursuit – solely he might validate her ultimate of maturity, via being conquered and falling subservient to her id.
It’s an unflattering portrait, and for as soon as, Asuka responds not by rising to the bait, however by begging for reduction. The scenes replay repeatedly, a silent interrogation, a persistent query of “is that this you? Is that this you? Do you acknowledge the you on this image?” Even Kaji provides no reduction, the maturity he represented now tainted by his obvious bond with Shinji, of all folks. Shinji is the one Kaji took to? The boy too infantile and fearful even to acknowledge her makes an attempt at intimacy, to play the position she wanted in her sport of maturity? How might that fool presumably be extra fascinating than her!?
“Are you lonely?” asks the woman holding the doll, the final type of Asuka keen to confess to such emotions. Our Asuka lies bare and alone, hunched over within the empty playground of childhood’s finish. She has no power to defend herself now. No hope of claiming Kaji, or of triumphing within the Eva unit. Right here on the lengthy, lonely terminus of the childhood she has rejected, solely that scared little woman stays to talk along with her, to make mockery of her claims to maturity and independence. As aware ideas shatter into serrated fears and emotions, Asuka is confronted with the vacancy inside: the truth that, when you unpeel her delight and rejection and all else she has constructed in opposition to her mom’s shadow, there may merely be nothing left of her. As she apologizes to Kaji for this angel’s merciless transgression, Unit 02 finally goes silent.
The remaining is just confusion. Shinji gallantly volunteers to save lots of his fellow pilot, however is denied. Gendo calls into play the “Lance of Longinus,” the spear that pierced Jesus’ aspect on the cross, now framed as a lingering artifact of the Second Affect. Rei descends via “Malebolge” (the eighth circle of hell, right here cheekily referring to Central Dogma’s decrease depths), whereas Misato realizes all she has discovered about the specter of the angels is a lie. “We can’t flip again time,” Gendo begrudges, “however we do have the ability to spur it onward.” The lance is retrieved from a crucified titan bearing Seele’s stolen face of god, and flung in the direction of the angel with terrifying, terminal impact.
What good is any of it? What disaster was averted? What goal have these youngsters been conscripted to satisfy? Crouched by the now-distant Unit 02, Asuka can solely lament the truth that of all her allies, it was that complacent doll who in the end saved her. The doll who embodies her personal weak spot, her personal desperation for a delicate contact, a elementary cowardice laid naked within the second of her biggest failure. Asuka hates everybody, however Asuka hates herself most of all.
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