Hololive’s Gawr Gura, the world’s most subscribed VTuber, not too long ago launched one final undertaking earlier than her departure from her company: a music video for an unique track titled “Ash Once more.” It’s a robust work that Gura described as basically baring a chunk of her soul to the world.
Since then, I’ve discovered myself taking part in it time and again. I dwell on its haunting tone and lyrics, to the extent that I even wakened one morning with its phrases in my head. “They usually all say, tear it down, burn it down.” And as I’ve listened, I’ve additionally come to a conclusion: “Ash Once more” is artwork within the truest sense.
I typically have a really lenient definition of “artwork,” and don’t want issues to be deep or summary or be worthy of a museum or perhaps a fridge door; expression creates artwork. That stated, I feel VTuber music exists in an area the place numerous components mingle. There’s the affect from Japan’s idol tradition. There’s the clear overlap with Vocaloid tradition, together with the truth that many VTubers (together with Gura) typically cowl Vocaloid songs or have Vocaloid producers make new songs for them. There’s the truth that VTubing is an area the place one particular person would possibly carry out as a method of emulating the glitz and glamour of an expert or as a gift to their followers, whereas one other particular person releases important hits frequently. Deeply private and melancholy songs can come from a devoted musician and even somebody who is way much less musically inclined.
It’s due to this fact not truthful to guage all VTuber music by one normal, nevertheless it additionally implies that loads of VTuber music isn’t aiming to speak difficult feelings like those present in “Ash Once more.” The track conveys a ache so particular to Gura that, whereas probably relatable to many individuals on some stage, couldn’t have been made by anybody else.
For me, what’s made crystal clear by this track is that Gura has typically been in a darkish place these previous 5 years, and that she has each gained and misplaced an awesome deal. The opening lyrics discuss how she’s all the time being instructed that the reminiscence of her is fading, and that she’s heard all of it earlier than. The music video exhibits her trapped in an enclosed, barren room as she struggles and lashes out whereas attempting to create. It appears to say that there was a crushing combination of inner and exterior stress on Gura, but the truth that the skin forces are by no means explicitly recognized makes me marvel what she has witnessed and skilled.
I’ve seen the unfavorable feedback in direction of Gura: those crammed with venom from trolls who acted like her absences have been grave sins in opposition to their very existence, those that accuse her of being lazy and ungrateful, and those that attempt to argue that her success was all a matter of fortunate timing as a result of COVID-19 pandemic. Nonetheless, the road “Don’t inform me everybody round is ready” may also suggest that the followers who have been attempting to be supportive with one of the best of intentions inadvertently added to her nervousness. The phrases might even be interpreted as coming from hololive itself, as many skills from the corporate have stated that there’s much more to working for them than simply leaping in entrance of a display screen and streaming. This ambiguity opens it as much as loads of readings, nevertheless it additionally offers this sense of an amorphous demon of the thoughts.
The music video options two variations of Gura combating one another. Considered one of them wears what I see as an Atlantean outfit, whereas the opposite is in her acquainted and iconic hoodie. The previous seems to be overwhelmed down and fed up, whereas the latter is anxious however nonetheless possessing gentle in her eyes. I see the previous as not simply consultant of her unfavorable feelings, but additionally her previous self earlier than she grew to become “Gawr Gura”—the one that was as soon as blessed and cursed with a special type of success, and who she would possibly return to being when she leaves hololive. I feel the worry expressed by the hooded Gura is the notion that this determine we’ve all seen these previous 5 years is fleeting and that her “true” and troubled self is what’s going to stay.
However then, as she sinks deep into the ocean bare, the lyrics give a way of a woman who’s slowly realizing that what she’s completed is as a lot a mirrored image of herself, and that her accolades are something however empty. “No extra arms upon my phrases, they solely communicate for me” appears to suggest that she’s felt the necessity to hold quiet about some issues till now. Then comes my favourite strains of your complete track: “For all those who attempt to silence thunder, I’m the wave who pulls you down and beneath.” It’s as if that is the second that she realizes how robust she actually is, and that she’s larger than the voices attempting to carry her again or drag her down.
That is adopted by silhouettes of all her genmates in hololive English’s Fable supporting her and bringing her again to the floor, and crucially, this contains Gura serving to Gura herself. When the hoodie Gura re-emerges from the ocean, she’s capable of overwhelm and defeat her different self, who’s proven to be extra frightened and drained than bitter and offended. In distinction to her violent rejection in the beginning of the video, Atlantean Gura then strikes to embrace hololive Gura, and the 2 seemingly grow to be one. Now solely in her Atlantean type, she makes her approach to a door and opens it to depart. I interpret this as Gura lastly accepting that who she’s been in hololive is as a lot her true self as something that got here earlier than, and that she realized this with assist from her associates in hololive.
It’s very doable that each one of what I wrote is me projecting onto Gura what I wish to see, and that it’s simply one other instance of parasocial conduct. On the identical time, it’s plain that what “Ash Once more” conveys is just not so lots of the different closing songs from graduated skills. Whereas it does specific disappointment and gratitude, the first feeling is just not one in every of nostalgia, however one in every of combating inside demons—or as Gura would put it, mind worms.
I finally was compelled to write down about “Ash Once more” for a few causes, regardless of having simply posted my tribute to Gura days earlier. First, the track merely struck a chord with me on a really deep and resonant stage, and I didn’t wish to go away these emotions undefined. Second, amidst all of the negativity that may persist in an area like VTubing, I’ve been eager to extra concretely reward the individuals who have determined to problem this huge frontier, and who’ve impressed me in their very own methods. After seeing all these commencement, hiatuses, and even generally tragedies, I need the individuals behind these VTubers to know that they’re appreciated.
