Within the journal enterprise, the Again Web page is the place you’d discover all of the bizarre goofs that we could not slot in wherever else. Some might name it “filler”; we want “an entire web page to make horrible jokes which might be tangentially associated to the content material of the magazine”.
We do not have pages on the web, however we nonetheless love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular function, Again Web page. At present, Jim’s heading out of this world…
You may anticipate a Again Web page article to open with a joke. One thing to whet the whistle earlier than we dive into the whimsy. However you will discover no such factor right here. I will reduce to the chase, expensive reader, I’ve made a historic discovery.
Final week, whereas wandering alongside my native seashore (sure, everybody in London has an area seashore, belief me), I stumbled throughout a glass bottle, packed to the brim with items of worn-out, tea-stained paper. A short look on the label revealed a Hylian crest and the phrases ‘Merlot de Hebra – 1841’. I knew it was one thing particular, so I dashed residence, placed on my Time Staff gloves and uncorked the highest to see what was jammed inside.
I used to be instantly greeted by a piercing “Ya-ha-ha!” as a small leaf man appeared on my desk. After swiftly punting him into the kitchen bin, I unfurled the reams of paper inside. This was no boring previous treasure map or a riddle main me to a pot of gold – this was the captain’s log for H.M.S. Calamity, a Hylian ship making its return journey after embarking on a commerce mission to the Mushroom Kingdom.
It seems that the ship’s journey residence was a fraught one (what did they anticipate from a vessel with that identify?) and quite than arriving safely on the shores of Hyrule, the captain and his crew had first run aground on a number of “Different” worlds.
Naturally, I made a decision that the Nintendo Life homepage made probably the most sense for its preservation. I hurriedly took to my keyboard and transcribed the letters’ contents phrase for phrase, leaving no time for concerns about lore, chronology, or how a lot textual content may probably match into one small, very actual bottle.
Beneath, you will discover what was written on every letter and the captain’s sketches peppered all through — these sailors have been clearly an artsy lot with greater than sufficient time on their arms.
Captain’s Log #1 – “that is no Hyrule”
The ocean is a mysterious beast. It has been 4 days since we left the provision dropoff within the Mushroom Kingdom and we’re approaching two weeks since we departed Hyrule. I had hoped that we’d be stepping foot on her golden shores as we speak, but it surely appears Hylia had different plans.
Now we have run aground in an odd and ugly land, but one which feels surprisingly acquainted. Below the quilt of darkness, you’d be forgiven for assuming this was the Motherland, such an identical determine does it reduce. However that is no Hyrule.
We plan to set sail at first mild, although the darkness encroaches with such density that some amongst our crew have come to imagine we are going to by no means really feel Majora’s rays once more. This “Darkish World”, as we’ve taken to calling it, has all of the touchstones of our residence shores, however a search social gathering reported issues could not be farther from the consolation all of us so desperately need.
The city we assumed to be Kakariko has been left in a state of disrepair, with “Village of Outcasts” scrawled throughout its oaken gates. An incredible pyramid stands the place our princess ought to rightfully abide and the locals, people who have not been became bushes, have been fast to inform us the place we may shove our Rupees once we requested about procuring 4 pints of Lon Lon.
We’ll take consolation within the bows of the ship tonight. I am unable to say I will be sorry to see the again of this place on departure. I pray we by no means come throughout such foul settlements once more.
Captain’s Log #2 – “the best portraits”
It seems my prayers have been left unanswered. The three weeks since we departed the “Darkish World” — for which we nonetheless can’t choose a greater identify — have been fraught with navigating the near-identical archipelagoes of 1 “Ocean King”. Now we’re out, I am unable to think about something worse than returning. I’m grateful solely that our ship controls properly sufficient to navigate its winding coastlines. With out my devoted directional paddle, I dread to suppose how anybody would be capable of familiarize yourself with navigation on this land.
However this brings me to the world from which I pen this log. As soon as once more, our eager for residence led us astray and we seem to have landed on international soil.
I’m accountable, this time. Our present settlement bore such a resemblance to the house nation that I assumed our journey had progressed quicker than anticipated. I used to be unsuitable. Arriving on these green-tinged shores, we have been instantly welcomed by a fully-grown man dressed as a purple rabbit. The crew and I assumed this was some type of exhaustion-induced hallucination however after we agreed to hire some provides from the purple-clad determine, he was very happy to introduce us to the land of “Lorule” — no, the vernacular similarities weren’t misplaced on us both.
Very like the land from which we final raised anchor, this world bears a hanging resemblance to Hyrule. Even the nice pyramid that outlined the skyline of the prior shore has been changed by a near-identical mannequin of Hyrule citadel (a feat I am positive even previous Hudson could be impressed by)! The locals are not any much less hostile, thoughts you, and after witnessing a few of the neon-luminescent cracks that adorn each load-bearing wall or historical construction, I can perceive why.
But that is clearly not a land of savages. In our transient reconnaissance mission, I witnessed a minimum of seven of the best portraits I’ve ever seen. So lifelike! Such an eye fixed for element! I used to be greeted with nothing however a tough stare once I broached the subject of procuring one for the captain’s quarters, so it is one other night time spent within the consolation of the ship.
We set sail once more tomorrow morning, hopeful that this subsequent leg will likely be our final.
Captain’s Log #3 – “suspiciously massive egg”
Oh, nice Hylia! What have we carried out to deserve this? Sure, I had hoped that this leg of the journey could be our final, however not our final.
Not half a day after departing Lorule did we hit tough seas and disastrously collide with one more unusual land. The Calamity was worse for put on following the touchdown and required determined repairs if we have been to take to the seas as soon as once more.
That was one month in the past.
Our repairs have taken longer than anticipated, but I thank the gods that our surroundings has been slightly extra forgiving than these beforehand explored. I don’t mince my phrases once I describe the island of Koholint (because the locals appear to name it) as a dream.
Now we have awoken on the seashore of Toronbo Shores most mornings to the candy sound of singing from a local little one. The waters are notoriously uneven on the horizon, however we’ve come to understand our present scenario as one thing of a house away from residence.
Our suspicions have been raised by the threatening Tal Tal Mountain Vary which, to our sea-weary eyes, appeared to deal with an energetic volcano. We have been shortly put proper by a close-by service provider, who defined that no such rumblings have been felt because the suspiciously massive egg appeared atop it a few years in the past. Regardless of my assumption that one thing fishy should be occurring there, not one of the locals appear involved, so it is again to the idyllic views and unusual wildlife for now.
Captain’s Log #4 – “an unrivalled lunar spectacle”
It was arduous to say goodbye to my beloved Koholint, however with the Calamity repaired, the excessive seas (and the promise of residence) have been calling.
Wishing to check the soundness of our repairs, we have been at sea for lower than a day earlier than we determined to drag in at a close-by city and test the hull’s integrity. Whereas no Koholint, the port of Termina has been nothing however welcoming since our arrival three days in the past.
This is a curious factor: as I attain this level in my account of the times passed by, I’ve a obscure recollection that I’ve written all of it down earlier than. I’ve scanned my belongings for any proof of earlier work however no such notes seem to exist. There should be one thing within the water taking part in havoc with my reminiscence!
Both approach, a sure buzz from the native townsfolk implies there will likely be an unrivalled lunar spectacle this night, the likes of which we will likely be unlikely to ever see once more. It does not sound like one to be missed, so I will log out now and make my approach over to the clock tower for a major view. We might have been unfortunate in our return journey up to now, however I’ve a very good feeling that tonight will likely be one thing to recollect!
Captain’s Log #5 – “a perpetual state of ennui”
The moon was excessive over Termina this morning, so we determined it was the optimum time to set off. It is a disgrace we by no means acquired to see the famed lunar occasion, however maybe we’ll return once more quickly.
I actually hope that these logs are by no means learn in sequential order, for my nautical talents would certainly be known as into doubt. At present, we wished land-ahoy to that which we assumed was our homeland as soon as once more and, for the fourth time on this return journey, we have been incorrect. By gods, I may have sworn that we had arrived on the shores of that famed “Darkish World” as soon as extra, however no, these lands are far… moodier.
Within the face of our regular Hylian inhabitants, we stepped ashore and have been greeted by a tribe generally known as “Twili” — a quite horrifying little bunch with crimson eyes, potbellies and an unabashed phobia of wolves. The miscoloured eyes and wolf connection jogged my memory of an previous novel collection I used to be as soon as enamoured by, so I coined the phrase “Twilight Realm” to explain these desolate shores.
Very like our earlier harbours, the Twilight Realm is way from the plush greens and blues of residence. As a substitute, this land seems to be in a perpetual state of ennui, with solely the native Palace of Twilight and Sol Shrine to distract the attention. We thought-about a spot of sightseeing at each, however the entry price of 25 Rupees and everlasting damnation appeared slightly steep.
We have heard hearsay of four-legged nasties that come out at night time on the behest of a “Zant” — not a reputation I’ve come throughout earlier than in my travels, however I might quite depart assembly Mr. Zanthony (as I assume is his full title) till a time when I’m slightly extra presentable.
The crew is rising weary of this return journey and I concern our finish aim is shortly slipping out of sight.
Captain’s Log #6 – “Hyrule, I’ve missed you”
Blessed Hylia, the heavens have shined on us ultimately!
I’ll hold this remaining log quick for the scent of my homeland as soon as once more consumes the air round me — and I can’t fathom how lengthy my correspondence would learn now, have been it digested chronologically.
We bumped by numerous, smaller settlements within the weeks after we departed the depressing “Twilight Realm” for which I shall spare you the small print. Know solely that I’ve added “Hytopia,” “Labrynna,” and “Holodrum” to our listing of recognized settlements and have marked all of them on the map, ought to one other vessel befall the identical destiny as ours.
However none of that issues anymore, for the shores of Hyrule are lastly in sight! Our Hyrule. The lay of the land could also be much like that seen within the “Darkish World” and “Lorule,” however the mild right here is unmistakable. I estimate mere minutes earlier than I can lastly style the candy nectar of Jabul Waters as soon as once more!
A cursory look by the telescope reveals a handful of purple rifts have sprung up throughout the land, although. I may have sworn they weren’t there earlier than we left, however who am I to complain? It isn’t as if they’ll take us to one more world surprisingly much like our personal, is it? What a ridiculous thought!
I’m inserting this log, together with the others, for safekeeping in my trusty bottle of 1841 Hebra. I will retailer it close to the window (now open to the candy sea breeze) so I do not overlook it when disembarking. I am unable to think about the end result if my writing have been to fall into one other’s arms!
Signing off now. Hyrule, I’ve missed you.
Fairly the journey, eh? Do any of the captain’s adventures deliver again fond recollections of ‘different’ Zelda worlds you might have travelled to? Tell us your favorite within the following ballot after which set sail for the feedback to share your picks.
